Eurovision 2014: Belarus: Cheesecake

Even though there was a tie in the public and jury votes at the 2014 Belarus Eurovision National final, the jury vote prevailed and TEO will represent the nation with Cheesecake in Copenhagen.

 

Every now and again, the Eurovision Song Contest throws up a really good track. Unfortunately, Cheesecake is not one of them.

I really wanted to say something uplifting about the Belorussian entry, but quite honestly, it has no redeeming features. Quite obviously, the visuals are a blatant rip-off of the Robin Thicke hit, Blurred Lines and, try as hard as they might, the video comes across as a cheap and tacky copy. Some might say that this was the intention. Evidently, Belorussian humour must have passed me by.

What did make me laugh was the performance of this song at the National Final. TEO (aka Yuriy Vaschuk) reminded me of a drunk uncle at a wedding reception, staggering around the stage trying out his best Robin Thicke moves. Meanwhile, three backing singers hold up signs to mimic hashtags/visuals that look as if they were made by preschoolers in a craft class the previous day.

I think they may have helped him with the lyrics, too. Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Gray are thrown into a verse that doesn't scan, just for the hell of it. But, apparently, the most important element of the song is his efforts to escape his girlfriend who keeps calling him her 'cheesecake'. He'll even resort to the use of Google Maps to evade her company. After hearing this, none of us will need an atlas - running for the hills is the only option.

Okay, it's catchy - but so is the flu.

It's likely to qualify to the Final and then garner a few votes from people who should know better.

Eurovision 2014: Ukraine: Tick-Tock

Mariya Yaremchuk

The Ukraine was one of the first nations to choose its 2014 song for Eurovision and after a national final where 20 participants presented their entries, Mariya Yaremchuk was announced the winner - amidst some controversy. The official result put her song Tick-Tock at the top of both the jury and the viewer vote. However, some of the other contestants have complained that phone lines were blocked for their songs while Ms. Yaremchuk's remained open.

 

As one has come to expect, it's not unusual to witness some controversy with the selection of a few of the former Eastern bloc entries, but it seems that Eurovision is currently stuck with Tick-Tock.

Mariya Yaremchuk is easy on the eye in a Rihanna kind of way, but unfortunately, not as easy on the ear. Sung in English, Tick-Tock comes with a heavy Russian accent and some out of tune caterwauling that could liven up your local feline population.

Cats aside, the song is very much a carbon cut-out of the Eurovision-style of dance Europop: An easily remembered title that is repeated frequently over a drumbeat backing. Even the presentation, with three muscle-bound male dancers, seems to have been pulled from the Eurovision 101 handbook for beginners.

It's a shame, really. I anticipated so much better from the Ukraine, based upon past performances. Just last year, Zlata Ognevich's far superior Gravity placed third, but I don't see this one doing nearly as well. It will, no doubt, qualify from the semis - with some help from its neighbours and a possible sympathy vote - but a Top 10 placing seems highly unlikely. Of course, this is all dependent on the quality of the rest of the contenders.

What do you think?

Eurovision 2014: Albania: Zemërimi i një nate

Herciana Matmuja

As has now become customary, Albania chose its Eurovision Song Contest entry from the participants at its annual Festivali i Këngës (Festival of Song).

Sixteen finalists took part in the show on December 28, allowing seven expert judges to ultimately decide that Zemërimi I Një Nate (A Night of Anger) sung by Herciana Matmuja would go to Copenhagen in May 2014.

As is usual with the Albanian entry, I am at a disadvantage with the language barrier, so a comment about the song's lyrics is impossible.

It's obviously very dramatic though; the title One Night's Anger (or A Night of Anger) conjures up thoughts of illicit lovers found out. Combine that with Ms Matmuja's vocal delivery and the orchestration, it becomes a true piece of theatre - even if a little overwrought at times. However, as the song overruns the competition's allotted three minute rule, the revamped version may allow for something less fraught.

The live orchestra adds to the sense of tension; an element that has been sorely missing from the main Contest for some years now. In fact, it's a delight to hear something other than a backing track.

Will it capture the hearts and minds of Europe, though? My predictions about Albania's entries are usually way off target. Rona Nishliu's similar 2012 effort finished in fifth place, a song I had written off completely. This one is competing in the first half of the first semi-final, so that may prove a disadvantage - particularly if it remains in its native language.

I'm probably wrong, but I don't see this one qualifying for the Grand Final - even if after repeat plays parts of the melody brings Seal's Kiss From A Rose to mind.

English version

How well do you think it will do?